Walk Walk Fashion Baby

I sometimes wonder why I keep a blog because my days mostly consist of me walking around the house looking for my pants and scavenging the snacks cupboard for leftover Cheetos. It’s not my fault I’m a social pariah.

The only time I’ve left my house to do anything semi-productive was to attend a Fashion Show because my mom insists I follow in her footsteps and become the next Alexander McQueen (minus the suicide part).

I’ve never had much inclination towards fashion because shopping for clothes literally makes me fall asleep. It’s like there are sleeping pheromones hidden in the fabric or something that makes me want to slip into a coma.

Even though I don’t care much for fashion, the fashion show I watched today was not bad. I can’t say that I have been to many fashion shows (two to be precise) so I’m not an expert at watching models strut down the runway with falsified gusto and ferocity. All I can say is that it was artsy and theatrical, much like Alexander McQueen and Hussein Chalayan’s works. The ‘art’ side to the clothes dominated the fashion/clothing side, which made it much more interesting to watch.

The socializing part was a yawn fest, though. I don’t know why adults insist on petty small talk. The superficiality of acting nice in a ‘false’ fashion has never been my forte. As an insignificant teenager, I’m more likely to say “OMG U SUK TALK TO MY HAND!” in the person’s face if I think he or she is a fascist moron, because I don’t have much qualms about the implications on my work relationships.

I guess I need to start working on my “Hellooo dahling let’s have some tea!” face if I want to make it in the 21st century.

Lose Phone, Get iPhone 4

My mom is notorious for losing cell phones. Over the past 10 years, she has lost over 20 cell phones, either by ‘accidentally’ dropping them somewhere or by falling victim to pickpockets.

This month, she has lost her phone 3 times. The first time, she dropped it on the subway. The second time, she dropped a new phone in a taxi but the phone was later found by a passenger on the taxi, who was kind enough to call my dad and tell him he had my mom’s phone. So my dad had to go find the guy, get the phone back and pay him 100 dollars for being a nice person.

But it was all a negative investment because my mom lost that phone AGAIN. This time, it was stolen by someone. I don’t know why my mom is so prone to pick pockets. Maybe because she has a sign on her forehead that says “STEAL MY PHONE” or something.

So after losing the phone, getting the phone back and losing the phone again, my dad decides to buy her an iPhone 4. I have no idea why - maybe he just wants to test out the ‘Find my iPhone’ app for when my mom loses it. I think Steve Jobs was inspired by my mom when he created that app.

But the moral of this story is: lose your phone 3 times in a month: get an iPhone 4.

Humping Dogs and Justin Bieber

Lately, there’s been a plethora of sexually perverse sounds circulating around the neighborhood. My neighbours have recently purchased a new dog to accompany their old one. The previous dog was a male and the new one is female. And I’m sure you all know what happens when males and females get together.

Their dogs have been mating non-stop over the past few weeks. Every morning, I’ve been subjected to their moans and groans of passion. Like this morning, I was eating breakfast when the dogs started making explicit sex noises and it was deeply disturbing to eat breakfast to the sound of mating dogs. Sure, it’s natural. But do they have to do it every hour of every day? Do their genitals not exhaust themselves? Do they not get tired from constant humping? I can’t even walk around the house without hearing dogs doing it.

In addition to oversexed dogs, a bunch of people have been throwing carnivals down at the football field at 6 am in the morning and they’ve been blasting generic pop songs at the loudest volume setting known to man.

This morning, they set up a carnival at the football field. It was six o’clock in the morning so I was still sleeping in a pile of my own drool, when they started blasting Justin Bieber’s Baby over and over again on the speakerphones. You could imagine what a nightmare this was, having your sleep interrupted by the girly voice of Justin Bieber going BABY BABY BABY OHHHHHH!

When you hear the phrase BABY BABY BABY OHHHHH being screamed repeatedly at you at six in morning, it just feels wildly inappropriate. Especially when it hails in the form of Justin Bieber.

I did not get any sleep last night because the dogs were mating like there was no tomorrow and when I finally nodded off, Justin Bieber started going BABY BABY BABY OHHHH!

Hopefully, the dogs will eventually grow tired of mating because if this continues to go on, I’m going to be sleep deprived and scarred for life.