Archive for Funny

Humping Dogs and Justin Bieber

Lately, there’s been a plethora of sexually perverse sounds circulating around the neighborhood. My neighbours have recently purchased a new dog to accompany their old one. The previous dog was a male and the new one is female. And I’m sure you all know what happens when males and females get together.

Their dogs have been mating non-stop over the past few weeks. Every morning, I’ve been subjected to their moans and groans of passion. Like this morning, I was eating breakfast when the dogs started making explicit sex noises and it was deeply disturbing to eat breakfast to the sound of mating dogs. Sure, it’s natural. But do they have to do it every hour of every day? Do their genitals not exhaust themselves? Do they not get tired from constant humping? I can’t even walk around the house without hearing dogs doing it.

In addition to oversexed dogs, a bunch of people have been throwing carnivals down at the football field at 6 am in the morning and they’ve been blasting generic pop songs at the loudest volume setting known to man.

This morning, they set up a carnival at the football field. It was six o’clock in the morning so I was still sleeping in a pile of my own drool, when they started blasting Justin Bieber’s Baby over and over again on the speakerphones. You could imagine what a nightmare this was, having your sleep interrupted by the girly voice of Justin Bieber going BABY BABY BABY OHHHHHH!

When you hear the phrase BABY BABY BABY OHHHHH being screamed repeatedly at you at six in morning, it just feels wildly inappropriate. Especially when it hails in the form of Justin Bieber.

I did not get any sleep last night because the dogs were mating like there was no tomorrow and when I finally nodded off, Justin Bieber started going BABY BABY BABY OHHHH!

Hopefully, the dogs will eventually grow tired of mating because if this continues to go on, I’m going to be sleep deprived and scarred for life.

Kelly Clarkson’s Boobs

We are currently learning about body parts in Chinese, including ‘describing’ words to accompany those ‘parts’ if you get my drift. I have a love/hate relationship with Chinese class, the only reason why I love it is because I get good grades and I’m the best out of everyone who sucks.

My Chinese teacher decides to create a powerpoint with pictures of celebrities and describing words under them, then you have to guess what part that word describes. The third slide has a photo of Kelly Clarkson and the Chinese characters for the word “Very Round”.

So she asks us “What part are we describing?” Then she uses her ruler to poke at Kelly Clarkson’s boobs, when in fact, she’s trying to point at her face but can’t reach that far up so she can only get as far as her boobs, which is obviously lower than the face, you don’t need to watch Grey’s Anatomy to figure that out. My Chinese teacher can’t reach that high up because her height is equivalent to that of an oompa loompa.

Everyone goes “KELLY CLARKSON’S BOOBS ARE ROUND!” in English, because I don’t think that anyone is capable of figuring out the Chinese word for boobs. If they were, they wouldn’t be in the Chinese Class for Illiterate Chinese People. It’s not part of our vocabulary list, I think it would come in handy during a test in case they give us a picture of Queen Latifah to describe or something.


oyay, I got an A+

My Chinese teacher’s response to the Kelly Clarkson’s Boobs Are Round statement:

“What? What are boobs?”

They are the things above your uterus, duh.

What Just Happened

It turns out that school is starting in 3 days. WHAT. I just found out yesterday. I swear my school is so unorganized. They didn’t even send out notice. I thought we had one more week. Now my whole schedule is screwed up.

My summer has been extremely unproductive, I haven’t even accomplished my ‘Summer To-do List’. This always happens to me. Like during the Easter holidays, I was planning to go to Disneyland but I ended up going after the holidays ended.

Yesterday, I bought 4 shoes. I don’t even know how that happened, but I guess I kind of thought all of them looked good so I bought them all. Now I have 4 shoes. I don’t even know how I’m going to use them all. Maybe alternate between one shoe per day.

I took the taxi back home with my mom and then we were standing by the double yellow lines, which according to law, states that cars cannot stop there. We saw an empty taxi, so we wave at it, but it doesn’t stop. We thought that it didn’t want to drive anyone else but he stopped a little bit further to the front. So we walk over and get in the car. The taxi driver starts the car and goes “You know you were standing by the double yellow line?” My mom says “Oh. I didn’t notice.”

He tells us that we shouldn’t stand there because people who stand there are usually short distance clients. Then he goes “No offense, but people who stand there are rich bastards and people won’t drive them.” So he goes on rambling about how the new taxi system screws up his clientele. The government enforced a new system of which short distance rides cost more money than long distance rides, as long distance rides now have discounts as opposed to the previous latter. Because there’s been a lot of traffic lately, he’s been against going into the city. In the past, taxi drivers wouldn’t mind as much, but they actually lose money in traffic now, because of this new system. So it wastes both time and money.

The taxi driver says that he hovers over the rural area and doesn’t really like to drive people who are going into the city. But then he sees this “hot girl” whom he decides to give a ride. He says “She had a really low cut shirt and a short skirt so I go ‘What the heck.” Then he drives her but it turns out that she was, in fact, heading for the city. I was sort of laughing in the inside.

Then my mom says, “Whatever, at least you got to drive a hot girl.”