Archive for June, 2010

Mosquito Problems

I must taste really good because some psycho mosquito bit me 10 times in my sleep last night. I was in my bed, sleeping and dreaming about Sims 3 when I felt this itch on my forehead so I started scratching it but a few seconds later, my thumb started itching so I used my other hand to scratch my thumb. Soon after, my neck started itching too but I ran out of hands so I couldn’t scratch myself anymore. I was still half asleep so I just ignored it and continued dreaming about Sims 3 but something started stinging really badly. At first, I thought it was Edward Cullen biting me in my sleep since he has a tendency to watch people sleeping (I was really sleepy and my imagination is at its highest when my brain’s half dead so I think of stuff like that). But then I was like, “Hey, Edward Cullen’s a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat people.”

When I finally came to my senses, the truth dawned me: A MOSQUITO IS IN MY ROOM. I was fully awake at this point so I kicked off the covers and started screaming like I’d just seen the Boogie Monster. My dad, who had a bed head that made him look like an oompa loompa, rushed into my room and asked what was wrong. I looked him in the eye and said with the most serious voice I could muster, “There. Is. A. Mosquito. In. My. Room.” My dad looked pretty disgruntled at that and started sputtering a whole bunch of nonsense that went along the lines of, “You wake me up in the middle of the night for a stupid MOSQUITO?”

What do you mean a stupid mosquito? I’ll have you know that mosquitos aren’t stupid or harmless. You have all these people worrying about blood sucking vampires but what they should really be worrying about is blood sucking mosquitos. They like to watch you like a hawk and when you’re off guard, they fly up to you and suck your blood. If this doesn’t sound scary, I don’t know what does.

Mosquitos and insects have been a big problem lately. It’s that time of the year where it’s not cold enough for you to shut the windows but not hot enough for you to switch the air conditioning on because it’s a waste of energy as my mom likes to remind me. So I open my bedroom window when I sleep since it’s actually pretty breezy. The only problem with this is that mosquitos fly into my room while I’m asleep and eat me. Sometimes, they like to fly up to my ear and make that annoying buzzing sound that’s supposedly the sound of their wings flapping at a million times per second. I just want to scream SHUT UP ALREADY OR I’LL CLIP OFF YOUR STUPID WINGS AND YOU’LL BECOME A WINGLESS CRIPPLE.

As if the flapping wing thing isn’t annoying enough, they have bite you in the weirdest of locations. There isn’t a location that I haven’t been bitten in. They have gotten me on my nose, eyelid, earlobe, thumb, toe, bellybutton, you name it. And you know what’s the worst part? These little bastards don’t dare to show their faces. The moment you see them, they disappear. It’s like they can teleport from Point A to Point B. Forget about bats being descendants of vampires, mosquitos are the guys you’re looking for.

Also, mosquitos always seem to bite you when you least expect it, like when you’re asleep. If you’re going to bite me, at least have the guts to bite me when I’m alive and kicking. I mean, MAN IT UP, BITE ME WHERE I CAN SEE YOU. I don’t appreciate when they sneak up on me when I’m at my most vulnerable. I don’t know what’s going on in real life when I’m sleeping so I can’t pulverize the mosquito (not that I usually pulverize them, I just kind of scream and run away). But hey, at least give me a fighting chance. Anyone can bite people when they’re sleeping. There should be a mosquito code of conduct on this.

So mosquito, if you’re reading this, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. Come back to bite me in my sleep ever again and I’m going to scream and call my mom. Then you’ll be sorry.

The Chinese Teacher

I think my Chinese teacher needs anger management. She was on a detention-giving spree today where she gave people detention for vague crimes like ‘looking weird’ or ‘being bad’. If ‘looking weird’ or ‘being bad’ were crimes, we’d all get arrested. I mean, isn’t that what they invented the law for? To stop corrupted law enforcers from making biased judgments? I don’t think my Chinese teacher knows that because apparently, she’s still living in Imperial China where they beat people with sticks to make them confess for crimes they’ve never done.

The first detention was given to this guy who the Chinese teacher just hates for no reason. He was kind of moving his mouth so the Chinese teacher was like “WHY ARE YOU MURMURING?” and he was like, “Uh I wasn’t murmuring?”. Then she’s like “WHY ARE YOU BEING BAD? SIT OUTSIDE!”. So the guy starts packing up his stuff and putting them in his bag when she catches him putting something in his pocket so she’s like “WHAT DID YOU PUT IN YOUR POCKET?” and he’s like nothing. So she storms up to him, feels up his butt (this should count for sexual harassment) and pulls out an iPhone from his pocket. She’s really pissed at this point and starts barking, “WHY DID YOU LIE?!?!?!? FRIDAY DETENTION FOR LYING!”

Then after a few minutes of what seemed like peace, the Chinese teacher thinks that the two boys sitting in the front row are talking to each other. So she tells one of them off for provoking the other guy and sends him outside. But in reality, he wasn’t the one that was talking, it was someone else. The someone else felt bad for that guy being punished for something he did so he told the teacher that it was him who did the talking. And the Chinese teacher seemed really unsatisfied with this and started screaming, “WHY ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING BRAVE?” and the guy’s like, “I was just trying to be honest…” but before he could finish the Chinese teacher goes, “FRIDAY DETENTION FOR BEING HONEST!”